The Nice Guy Myth

Just got home from a friend’s birthday drinks- it was a nice, good type of boring night. I was feeling rather tired, but overall they’re not the type of people who require much effort to converse with, which is a blessing you can’t take for granted. A good percentage of us knew each other (in some instances very vaguely) in high school- and I was thinking tonight how lovely it was to see how much we’ve changed- how grown up we are, at the same time that we’re still just as ridiculous and immature and fun as we ever were. For the first time in a while, today I finally felt as if I’m getting freedom, and not just uncertainty about my future, or a feeling of dread that I’m being frogmarched into banality. I felt even better after I read someone else’s awesome email (thanks dude) from a person who has gone through all this crap already, which essentially said- live your life, fuck all the worrying, and the excessive planning for the future that might stop you from doing that, without all the sentimental crap ala ‘dance like nobody’s watching’.

There is something I’d like to complain about though- and that is the nice guy myth. TV shows and movies absolutely LOVE the cliche with the nice guy best friend, hanging around with a beautiful girl who only dates arseholes, until one day… she finally sees the light and they get together. Aw, it’s so sweet and lovely, right? Alternatively we have the nice guy who only wants the beautiful girl who is a total bitch and treats him badly until one day HE sees the light and turns to his supposedly less attractive, but much more lovely in personality, overlooked female best friend. I find this latter version more palatable, because at least in this version the guy stops being such a spineless shit, and moves on after realising what an idiot he’s been.

So Sunday morning B and I were lying in her bed chatting and waiting for the alarm to go off so she could go get ready for work, and an ex came up in the conversation- a true, blue chip nice guy. If he were less of a nice guy, would he have lasted the distance we wondered? Conclusion? No. Because frankly, the more I think about it, the more this “nice guys finish last” adage seems like utter bullshit. See this entry from Jezebel which helped kickstart this thought process.

If you don’t want to click- the gist of the piece is a letter from some douche complaining to a female friend from 15 years ago about how she didn’t know how much of a good thing she had in him. He then claims that she MADE him into the kind of arsehole she was so fond of dating back in the day. Bull, fucking shit. The best bit is when he says “You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind”.

I’m sorry what?! These guys are so full of it. So because he was a “nice guy”, a good friend who was supposedly “used” for “emotional intimacy”, she OWED him ‘physical intimacy’ in return?! Because offering friendship with someone implies some kind of debt, clearly. Should we all just set up a balance sheet and see who owes who more in the friendship stakes?

It is also an incredibly arrogant thing to claim: ‘I’m such a good person, and you never chose me- you’re the arsehole’. There’s so much non-existent entitlement implied. Too whit- being “nice” does not make up for stuff like lacking a personality, a sense of humour, the ability to be self-derisive, confidence and humility. Being too good of a person to be loved and appreciated is the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard in my life.

Also, nice guy/person or not, if you’re in a relationship romantic or otherwise where the like balance is completely out of whack- i.e. one person is far more adoring than the other, then you’ve got to expect that the results may not be pretty. It’s human nature- no matter how good a person you are, if someone is sticking around giving you lovesick looks and saying they’ll doing anything for you- you’re gonna let them, because it’s easy, and sometimes it seems harmless. From the person who is taking, it doesn’t necessarily occur to them that they “owe” you something. You can’t really be that bitter when you’re asking to be trodden over. Harsh, maybe, but I honestly reckon that in any decent friendship/relationship you’ve got to know how to take as intelligently as you give.

The truth of the matter is, if you’re truly a “nice guy” you don’t need these kind of excuses. The guys I know are in the main, neither “nice guys” or “bad guys”, merely “guys”. However, the truly nice guys that I’ve met, regardless of their romantic experiences, good or bad, are STILL nice guys, not closet misogynists looking for an excuse to cover up their own patheticness.

Honestly, I think the adage should be changed to “nice guys who are boring and fawn excessively, and believe this entitles them to get laid, finish last”.

Note: I don’t mean to imply B’s ex is no longer a nice guy- apparently he is still as lovely a person as ever.

In honour of this post I am putting up a clip of Some Kind of Wonderful (thereby also continuing my 80s movies project) which is basically nice-guy has a crush on the pretty popular girl, until he realises he really likes his tomboy best friend. This version of the nice guy story line is pretty awesome because

1) supposedly Some Kind of Wonderful is meant to be an anathema to Pretty in Pink, in which Molly Ringwald ends up with the annoying, spineless Andrew McCarthy, when she was originally written to end up with Ducky (that dude from Three and Half Men who is not the kid, or Charlie Sheen). Apparently Ringwald made and fuss, and Hughes was forced to change the ending- and so he decided to swap genders and do the whole thing again sans Ringwald.

2) This is one of the few movies that Eric Stoltz is actually kind of hot (ok, almost hot). Hey- did you guys know that Stoltz was cast as Marty in Back to the Future because Michael J. Fox’s schedule couldn’t allow him to take the role initially… except that after a couple of weeks, the producers were like “this is not going to work out” and fired him? Ouch, that would have hurt. A lot.

3) Molly Ringwald isn’t in it with a shitty dress made out of two perfectly lovely dresses that she decided to cut up for no fucking good reason. That fugly dress still makes me angry.

4) Because Mary Stuart Masterson is so darn cute.

5) Because Stoltz smartens up quick enough not to be a fawning idiot the entire time.

6) Because Lea Thompson’s character is neither total bitch, or sweet angel.